Before it Gets Better
by theraininspring
Summary: When Blair felt alone she knew only one friend. A path of loneliness, desperation, and redemption for Blair after her eating disorder returns at the end of Season 1. AU one-shot of Season 2...CBxBW


**Before it Gets Better**

I found this story on my disk drive and thought I'd post it. It is a dark AU of what could have happened in Season 2. It is Chair but with some twists and turns. I based much of the fic off of spoilers for what would happen in Season 2. Though, I interpreted them in a very different way.

Hope you enjoy and please leave a review if you have a moment or would like to share your thoughts. Thanks for reading.

* * *

_**Relapse**_

She starts making herself sick again while in France. She's almost surprised when she splashes her face with cold water after the act.

But then she remembers the events of the past few days and the nauseous feeling returns.

She thinks about calling her doctor. He was, of course, still on speed dial for those situations when she stressed about little events and finding herself in front of the toilet seemed unavoidable.

But now he didn't seem so rationale. How would be explain the events in her life? What excuses could he come up with to rationalize that things were really not falling apart? They were and there was no denying it.

Her visit with her father is cut short because Ramon has decided to model again and they need to leave for Paris within the week.

So she's shipped back to New York, though her mother is traveling the world promoting her new line, so she'll go home to an empty penthouse.

The only highlight is Lord Marcus. He may bore her but he's attractive enough to stave off gossip about Chuck finding some leggy blonde to ditch her for. Rich enough for people to not question her reaction to Serena and Nate's budding relationship.

She studies her expression in the mirror. She's not sure why she's doing it. She used to think relapse was impossible. Now it seems inevitable. Everything was wrong, all the old insecurities quickly resurfaced and she felt not good enough, like always. This was the only way she knew how to fix it.

_**Loneliness**_

She spends the majority of the summer alone. Serena is off here and there. She's seeing the world while Blair is seeing the inside of her penthouse.

Serena invites her to the Hamptons for the last few weeks of summer but she's cautious. She's not threatened by Serena and Nate's relationship, they seemed to make much more sense than she and Nate ever did but she can still imagine the whispers. She can't be the third wheel. She can already hear the pity in everyone's voices.

It really didn't matter that she didn't want Nate anymore. He may have been her first love but he wasn't her last. Though she's not sure if she was really ever meant to be loved.

She finally says yes but only because Serena won't take no for an answer. Nate is going to be visiting his mother for a few days and Blair knows Serena needs a partner to lie on the beach with.

She convinces Marcus to come along. He's hesitant but she promises him a good time.

She knows she'll regret the promise later but in that moment she knows Gossip Girl's ever watchful eyes were on her and she couldn't falter.

_**Temptation**_

Chuck is sleeping with everything that moves and she hears rumors about topless Brazilians.

It makes her run to her porcelain goddess even more.

And for some odd reason she still finds herself watching him. Blushing when he catches her.

They're playing a dangerous game and she can't believe she isn't strong enough to quit.

They sleep together once and all she can do is purge afterwards.

She was never good at being strong, resisting temptation.

It was probably why she relapsed now.

Chuck threatens to tell Marcus but she knows it's a bluff.

He's already broken her twice. A third time and she may never be whole again.

_**Perfection**_

Marcus takes a job in New York. She smiles and says she's glad he's not going to be far from her.

He smiles and says he'll never leave her.

She knows he's lying but their perfect couple façade is working too well to correct him.

At least she's lost 10 pounds and Kati and Iz can't get over how good she looks.

Serena hasn't taken notice of Blair's weight loss.

But then again Serena hasn't taken notice of much since she started dating Nate.

That and since she met Poppy, Serena hasn't returned any of Blair's calls.

Apparently Blair tends to outshine Serena. Who would have thought?

Sometimes she catches Chuck's glances in the halls. Somehow she is still the one who blushes. The one that feels like she is doing something wrong. Maybe she is and he's the only one that knows.

She wonders if he's happy.

She decides it isn't important because in the UES image was more important than happiness.

_**Almost**_

Serena manages to throw Blair an 18th birthday party, though she leaves with Poppy long before the candles are blown out.

Marcus takes her to a deserted bedroom and she's had too many martinis to resist.

His hands are large and rough and as they scale her body they feel so foreign.

He pushes into her hips and she feels like he is almost trying to mold her body into something it isn't. Somehow he manages to find places that aren't taught. She wonders if it's a game.

She cringes slightly and doesn't say a word. She can already imagine the small bruises forming against her pale skin.

The act ends quickly and Blair closes her eyes for most of it.

She wonders if Serena has ever felt this way. Almost used.

The thought quickly disappears, Serena was always the user. Men adored her, wanted to amaze her.

Their sole desire was never to take just a part of her but rather hope she took a part of them. That they could somehow forever hold onto someone, something, like Serena Van der Woodsen.

Marcus didn't care about those things. The act in itself was enough for him to sustain. He never wanted to cherish a piece of Blair Waldorf.

He dresses quickly, he's leaving for Tokyo in the morning and he still needs to pack.

He'll be gone for a week and Blair can't help but breathe a sigh of relief.

She merely enters the bathroom to redeem herself as he exits the room.

_**Desperation**_

She waits three days before going to Chuck's suite.

She still has a key from last year (though she claimed to have lost it months ago).

The bruises have faded but she can still feel his hands on her. She's desperate to feel something else. Anything else.

Maybe that's why she found herself here. She always sought out Chuck in desperation. When being in her own mind was too much.

He comes home a few hours after she's arrived. He smells like scotch, though it doesn't matter because there is already a half empty bottle of vodka in front of her.

She expects him to be surprised but surprise isn't an emotion Chuck possesses. He just looks at her like he's known she'd always come back. Eventually she'd crumble and he'd have to put her together again. It's funny how only he can break her and only he can put her together.

He still asks, even though he knows what she wants.

She keeps her eyes down. She really just needed to feel wanted. To know that someone could need her with such passion she could ignore everything else.

She even mutters "Please Chuck."

He places himself between her legs and begins to kiss her like always but he already knows something is different. She's always hated his intuition.

His eyes find hers and she quickly shakes her head to the question they ask.

She kisses him fiercely so he doesn't linger on the thought. She's so desperate and he's the only one who can keep her from going over the edge.

He lays her on the bed and touches her only gently. He wants her to know how much he cares and she's glad he never says the words because she can barely keep the tears in.

His motions are so slow and carefully planned. It's not until the end that she realizes they just made love and not just had sex. The distinction scares her.

She dresses quickly and he finally speaks again. They've barely said any words and she was desperate not to add more.

"You can't just walk away…"

"Watch me."

He finally responds with a truth she doesn't want to face.

"I know you're making yourself sick again."

Of course he knew. He was Chuck Bass.

The subtle curves of her body had been replaced by sharp lines.

She knew he'd realize. She's sure he's known for a while but Chuck Bass knew the art of timing. He waited for the moment when the information he wielded held power.

She tries to be strong and looks at him with an intense glare.

"So what?"

She's trying to be defiant but she's sure it sounds defeated more than anything else.

"I'm happy"

She wonders if happiness is the same as perfection, because she felt perfect sometimes. She had a successful boyfriend, her grades were up, she and Serena never fought, and Eleanor had not complained about her weight in months.

"No you're not."

She's almost out the door when his hand grabs hers.

"Did I do this to you?"

Yes, no, maybe.

She settles on "no."

She did this all to herself. Perfection and desperation seemed to go hand in hand.

He pulls her closer, though they are still nowhere near an embrace.

The touch feels so strange because she's felt so alone the past few months. Just barely scraping by.

"I could make you happy."

She can't think of anything to say so she just untangles herself from him and walks out the door.

She was too tired to call Chuck's bluff and the thought that his words might be a reality scares her more than anything else.

_**Pristine**_

Marcus comes home a day early from his trip.

She manages to bury herself in homework to avoid him.

College applications are due soon she argues.

The third day he's back she gets a text from Gossip Girl.

Marcus at the Palace Bar all over someone who wasn't her.

He comes over the next morning to apologize but she says it's over.

She knows she should be more upset but she only feels relief.

He gets angry and breaks a vase.

Dorota tells him to leave and never come back.

She hugs the maid who wipes her tears with her pristine white apron, smudging it with black eyeliner.

She thinks about calling Serena but she knows the call will go straight to voicemail.

Dorota tells her it'll get better and Blair can only try to believe in her words because if this isn't rock bottom she's not sure how much more of a fall she can take.

_**Powerless**_

Serena actually joins her for lunch the next day.

She asks about Poppy and Serena just shrugs.

Ditching and going off campus for lunch seemed to have gotten old pretty fast.

Serena looks at her for the first time a in a while and she feels the hair on her neck stand. She didn't like being looked at the way Serena was watching her now. Like she may start to actually care again.

Serena doesn't say anything but she does excuse herself a few minutes later.

"I'll catch you after school"

She smiles and watches the blonde bounce towards Nate.

She feels a twinge in her stomach.

They looked so happy.

She turns towards Kati trying to talk about the Christmas Ball but she can't stop herself from thinking if she'd ever find something like what Serena and Nate had.

She says she's going to her locker but she finds herself in the bathroom.

She had experienced it once but it seemed so short-lived.

She wonders what she did wrong. What she lacked that Serena possessed that kept Nate faithful.

She really knows there is no way to change Chuck. She could have been perfect and it wouldn't be enough. And she was nowhere near perfect.

That's why she was in the stall puking up her lunch.

She was powerless in creating her own happiness and the only control she had was in that tiny stall.

_**Secret**_

She gets a call from Serena that night.

Apparently one of Lily's family rings was missing and Serena had found it in Poppy's purse.

Serena apologizes and says she's been a bad friend the past few months.

Blair doesn't know what to say.

She wonders if the words have any worth. Friends were there for each other and in the past few months Blair had never felt more alone.

There is an awkward silence for a moment before Serena finally speaks.

"You've lost a lot of weight recently Blair…"

Her breath gets caught in her throat. She could shrug Chuck off but Serena was another matter.

She makes an excuse quickly, she had the stomach flu last week, how could Serena not notice?

Serena seems to buy the excuse though Blair knows her story is wearing thin. The threads of control she was holding on to are slipping.

A secret was no longer a secret when everyone knew.

_**Illness**_

It becomes unbearable at school. Chuck and Serena seem to be working together to keep an eye on her.

Serena passes her own lunch to her. She somehow can't find the will to resist the croissant sandwich from the Palace that is packed in Serena's lunch.

When she was little every Sunday she went to the Palace for brunch with her father. She always had a croissant sandwich because it was French just like the ballerinas she adored.

She devours it all though the calories linger on her mind. Her mother's voice echoes in her mind reminding her that those ballerinas did not eat croissants. She tries to shake Serena and finally manages to when Nate shows up. She's gone in a flash and half way down the hall.

That's when Chuck finds her. He stands lazily against a locker in the deserted hall and Blair knows there's no way she'll make it to a bathroom with him there. He doesn't even say a word which only makes her feel worse about everything.

She holds her head up high and returns to the court feeling as ill as ever.

_**Control**_

She leaves in the middle of class. When she tells the nurse she feels sick she isn't lying. The car can't go fast enough and she feels hot all over. She almost believes she has the flu.

Dorota is running errands and she's glad she doesn't have to explain why she's home in the middle of the afternoon.

She's on the floor, hunched over the toilet. She has no control today, the tears fall steadily down the side of her face. She realizes she's never had any control.

He doesn't say a word but she knows he's there. She can imagine his smug smile. He's won a game he didn't even know he was playing.

This changes everything, she knows. She was so much more fragile than she'd ever admit. Than he'd ever believed.

She tries to lift herself up. Her legs refuse to cooperate and she nearly falls. Chuck reaches her in time, catching her swiftly before she crumples to the floor.

She catches his eyes in the mirror and there is no smugness, only a broken expression. She avoids his gaze and that's when she notices the red in the toilet bowl. She realizes the dull ache she feels is so much more. For a moment she feels Chuck's arms and then she feels nothing.

Maybe he didn't win, and only she lost. Maybe it's the end. She wonders if she's that lucky.

_**Change**_

There's machines beeping all around her and she feels so heavy. It's like everything in her life is wrong. But that was supposed to be a feeling she was used to.

She turns her head and Chucks there. His shoulders are slumped and his head in his hands.

She wonders if he's crying and the thought frightens her because in all the years she's known Chuck, she's never seen him cry.

He senses her move and he looks up at her. His eyes red and the tears still damp on his cheeks.

"'I'm sorry…"

His voice is horse and barely a whisper. She wants to be somewhere else. Anywhere else.

She remembers what happened and Chuck seems to notice the panic in her face.

"Gossip Girl thinks its appendicitis. You looked ill all day."

She gives thanks for small miracles. She can't imagine the judgment in Gossip Girl's voice knowing how weak Queen B truly was.

"Serena's is talking to your parents. Your mom and dad are getting on the first plane in."

She feels the guilt now. She promised she'd do better but somehow here she was again. She let them all down.

He reads her mind.

"They're just worried about you."

Chuck grows quiet for a moment and the silence makes her head hurt. She worries what he might say. What he thinks of her now.

"You make me want to change…It scares me because I don't change."

It wasn't what she expected from him. She expected him to be critical. To tell her what a fool she's made of herself. Instead he's saying words she's unsure she can trust. Words she wanted so badly to hear months ago.

She already trusted him once and he hurt her more than anyone else.

"I want to make it work with you."

She feels the tears running down her cheek. She can't believe this. She can't trust this, him, whatever it was between them.

"I love you."

He's by her side, the tears still running down his cheeks. If only it was so simple. Love was complicated. Love hurt. Life hurt.

"Is it too late?"

She closes her eyes and turns her body away from him. She doesn't know and there's too much going on right then for her to answer a question like that.

He sits back down and the sound of his sobs breaks the heart she's forgotten she has. Maybe they were really both broken.

_**Missing**_

She goes to a treatment center to deal with everything that's happened. No one walks away from something like that unchanged and she worries who she'll be when she goes back to her old life.

Everyone thinks she's recovering from a surgery but Chuck and Serena know.

They communicate via text and she's starting to rebuild the trust she had in them once. She hasn't said anything about Chuck's confession and she's not sure what to make of it.

He seems different when they talk. She wonders if she's getting to know another side of him.

They talk about what happened sometimes. About the reasons she felt the need to turn to her disorder again. Sometimes she tells him more than Serena.

He listens and he says all the right things. She's starting to believe the words he told her in the hospital.

He tells her about his father and everything Bart said before France. He tells her he's lonely and that he's never felt that kind of ache before. He tells her that it feels like something is missing in his life.

She wonders if she might be that missing piece.

_**Different**_

She calls Chuck when she returns to New York. She's nervous about seeing him again. She expects it to be awkward and for a silence to permeate. For them to be two very different people who have nothing in common anymore.

Instead it's simple and it's like the blissful two weeks she spent with him months ago. They have both changed but it's into people who need each other more. People who realized if things didn't change they'd never get better.

He asks where they stand. She merely shrugs her shoulder.

"At a beginning."

And that's enough because they almost lost each other once and he won't lose her again.

_**Oh I do believe  
In all the things you say  
What comes is better than what came before**_

* * *

Cat Power "I Found a Reason" (Velvet Underground cover)

I hope it wasn't too dark. I just really had the urge to post this and see what type of reaction people would have had for something like this to have taken place in Season 2. I'm so intrigued by that aspect of Blair's past. Maybe we'll get to see more of Blair's disorder in Season 3. I hope there wasn't too much out of characterness.

If you have a moment I'd really appreciate a review. Thank you for reading.


End file.
